As an actress, I faced fear every time I stepped on that stage or in front of the camera. Fear of rejection and failure caused quite a bit of anxiety and stress inside my body. But I never let that shit stop me! I’d take a deep breath — enough to relieve the pressure — and go! I trusted that the work I had done to prepare for this moment would carry me through to success. It didn’t always, but there’s something so thrilling about the work that fear never had a chance to hold me back.

Starting my own entrepreneurial business, on the other hand, has had me facing all sorts of fears. Unrecognized limiting beliefs, recognized limiting beliefs, powerful issues of self-worth, and imposter syndrome, to name a few. There are so many reasons and ways to fail that over the years, I have not only created and manifested my own failure, I have perpetuated and strengthened negative images about myself!

I’ve been living small and holding myself back and worse yet, I’ve grown so comfortable in this place that to really step into my best possible future, I’m gonna need to face the biggest wall of fear imaginable!

I’m afraid because it means so much to me. After putting myself out there in order to become a successful actress, and after sending out literally hundreds of headshots and resumes to casting agents and regular agents trying to get representation or just a shot at an audition for years and receiving, for the most part, radio silence, I realize I feel more than a little hurt. I spent hundreds of dollars every month on classes and workshops, attended networking events, worked low-paying non-union extra jobs and not a single person recognized my talent enough to put me to work! (Well, that’s not entirely true, I did win a couple small gigs.) It hurt that something I am so passionate about as to NEED it in my life was completely out of reach to me because others didn’t like me. And, to be honest, the rejection fed thoughts of not being pretty enough.

But with this business, I’m once again facing all those internal demons. For quite awhile, I have been paralyzed. My mind and ego have grown so skillful at saving me from myself that even though I am beginning to become more and more aware of their shrewd ways, I balk at the idea of truly committing to this journey. I found myself committing to everyday mundane tasks with such flair and fervor that I didn’t have time to do anything else! But somewhere in the back of my mind was a knowing that there was something more I was meant to be doing.

How can I give up the safety of being a background player, in favor of stepping on that big empty stage, into that bright unforgiving spotlight, in front of an unknown audience and sing?

I needed to move even though paralyzed with fear. But it had to be done right. No bypassing allowed. It’s important that I make choices because of fear, rather than from fear. One day it came to me, or rather returned to me. I could use the system I had studied to flesh out myself as a character! I would essentially be creating a present day take on the future version of myself. If I thought of it as simply playing a role, the fear was less scary. It’s taken me on a journey of self-discovery. Who am I when fear isn’t holding me back? What am I like when I have finally given myself the freedom to do all the things I dream of — all the things that bring me joy? How do I walk into a room, or hold my poise? When do I smile and how? When do I hold my tongue? And when I do speak, what do I say, and how do I say it? Afraid to be too sexy? Slow down and contemplate what really makes me feel sexy! Is it in the curve of my spine, the way I dress, a look that lingers with eyes that sparkle? Every moment is an experiment, exciting and new! I’m on the biggest stage of my life, workshopping the most important character of my life!

But I haven’t forgotten those fears. They’re still there. Now, they inform the next avenues of self-discovery and character development. As much as I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with fear, I know that they are a part of me! Parts of me that long to be loved and accepted like a poor neglected child who’s never known the gentle touch of love. I know all too well the pain of rejection. That longing to be loved, seen, accepted, allowed. The ego, with its mental stories, has created two parts of me — the one who is feared and the one who is loved. Perhaps the two aren’t too different after all. Perhaps, the key is to be SEEN, in the light, in its full glory, with no stories to blame and shame. If we can just manage to stand there with eyes wide open.