If I am honest with myself, my emotional life has taught me loads over the years. I have fallen in love more times than I care to admit. I have followed my heart into deep dark forests of pain like some valiant knight of the round table. And then I made a conscious decision to trust logic over emotions of the heart. All this was before I reached high school.

My emotional life grew even more complicated in high school as my self-esteem continued to plummet and I became plagued with depression. Most days I masked the pain or funneled it into acting. I began cutting myself in an attempt to ease my internal struggles and pressures. I didn’t even feel like I was worth feeling the pain since there were always those who were worse off than me.

Things didn’t get any better in my twenties. In fact, now I had a passion to follow and it was a pretty unforgiving passion. The world of acting offers no guaranteed accolades and you’re just as likely to get stabbed in the back as courted. I faced rejection like a firing squad, day after day after day. I knew I was meant to be strong and face these challenges but in my mind, I was a failure on all counts. I had no one to love me and I had no passion to sustain me.

I began to question if there was a God and if there was, did my failure in all things that I desire mean that God wanted me to lead a sad and lonely life? Was I really doing what God wanted me to do? As if in answer, I met a man and we fell in love. It was a fairytale beginning but as you know if you have been following along in my story, it had a nightmare of an ending. But not without its lessons.

No, this long emotionally exhausting story isn’t over yet! After a near-death experience, I decided the only thing to do was to pursue happiness at all cost. I had spent my childhood immersed in the world of the metaphysical, I already knew what to do! Abraham Hicks had played in the background while I played with Legos. During this time I never fell into another depression. I had completely given up on my passion, and my relationship was slowly falling apart. My heart was broken in so many ways and I didn’t allow anything that tainted my happy little world.

In all of these situations, I tried to control my emotions, because I was afraid to feel the heartache. I love BIG, and I guess that means that I hurt BIG. I can feel my emotions in my body and to me, they feel really intense! Bigger than my physical body! And I didn’t trust that my body could handle it. The pain was so great it took over and I had no control. And that’s a scary place to be, for me.

Now, however, I am learning that this body of mine was built to handle all of that emotional stuff. Just maybe not to hold on to it. I’m learning to lean in and fully allow my emotions. I welcome them through with wide open arms. Unencumbered by judgment or names or really anything, I make myself into a free-flowing conduit and let all those big emotions in… then… out again. Even my cravings are allowed fully! For now, that’s all there is to do! The more I practice, the more inner trust I build. Is this a superpower? Should I sew myself a cape with the initials “ES” on the back to show that I am an Emotional Superstar? Definitely YES! I’ve worked hard and come so far and if I can say that, I am at a point where I can allow all those challenging emotions. I’m also going to allow myself to feel proud about that!