You know it’s never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It’s always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else up on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride.

― Jodi Picoult

By the grace of Gawd, some shady shit went down with my father! Then, because of said shady non-sense, (and before we had planned) I had to help my father move out of his current living situation, and move him in with me.

Now, my father’s superpower is communication!

He became a conduit that widened the narrow perspective of my husband. That seemed to help! In speaking with both of us, he was able to give me a better understanding of what was going on inside my husband’s mind. This understanding helped alleviate some of the inner tension I was feeling. In addition, I believe my father was able to give something to my husband that I could not- a sense of validation for his feelings.

A few months later, our entire family, including my father, moved away. The move itself was not uneventful. I stayed up late. I got everything packed. Hubby hired a company to move our stuff. There was a incedent with a tree, which is not worth mentioning, another incident with a van, which is worth mentioning but I’m not going to, and while I still suffered a great deal of pain and frustration, I wasn’t ready to quit. I had hope, more than in the past! I still carry this hope with me. And I do not give up easy.

But I am preparing for a worse case scenario.

I need to be able to take care of my family. To that end, I will be exploring options. I need to be able to work from home. I’d like to be able to build skills that would be useful for my intended future. I will be trying out vlogging and ad affiliate marketing to start. I also have reached out to an old friend who may be able to throw me a bone.

I hope, my friend, (because let’s be honest, if you are reading this, you are a dear, devoted friend), that you will support me in whichever direction my endeavors lead me! I’m scared I’ll fail, lose everything, and die of depression.

This last part I’m writing, though I had no intetion of doing so when I started. Let me preface it by saying I will be okay. I will rise up!

A month ago, my husband finally asked me to talk! We went for a walk around the neigborhood and what he had to say opened up a whole new world! He talked about his pain, he talked about his struggles over the years, he talked about health issues I didn’t even know he had! He told me that God had told him the reason we were together (and this was a problem for me because believe it or not, more than once in my life men have told me that they couldn’t be with me because God had told them). And then my husband asked me for a divorce

I knew it was coming about a minute into the speech. My husband is long-winded but I know him. At first I felt nothing, but when I woke up the next day, and he had left for work, I felt frustration and anger! I began looking over the past 11 years and I began placing blame. It was easy to do. I saw immediately when that chage had taken place, I saw clearly all I had tried to do to save this marriage and create a family and I saw all the ways in which he had been sabotaging and rejecting my efforts.

I put SO much energy into this because I had hope, because sometimes, that beautiful man I married would peek out and let me know that he was still in there!

Am I okay now? No, not in the least. Believe me, I could go deep with what I’ve been going through this past month. I’ll put it like this, I am depressed. In the past, when I have been depressed I had ways of handling it that were far from healthy. My choices then nearly killed me and I promised myself I would choose happiness. The struggle for me is I have literally NEVER felt this much pain and just wallowed in it! Right now it is the hardest thing and I am intensely struggling.

I am drowning, but I am not drowned. Last Sunday, I was thrown a life preserver, if I can manage to hold onto the memory of it. It was just a feeling, I was free, I was strong and I felt a power… It felt amazing! I knew I couldn’t hold on to it, I knew it was a gift, the memory of which must keep me afloat until, hopefully, I have become her. But as I write this, and my eyes are clouded over with tears, it is SO hard to believe any of it. I am trying, and if my struggles shown here could help someone else going through a similar situation not feel this alone, this desperation, this hurt, then it is worth it to share and keep sharing.

And remember, I will rise up!

Friend, I need your love.

One comment from you, my friend, just to let me know you were here.

Then look for me on Facebook, watch for me on YouTube, I’ll come to thee by Instagram, though hell should bar the way!