The mind has been really mean to me this week. I worry about my ability to provide for my children. I don’t have a paying job and while I’m actively trying to build a coaching business I am not seen. And the mind notices that. It builds whole stories around how worthless I am and what I must do to try and be seen. My social media posts are reflections of my current mental state of panic and fear and anxiety and trying to be recognized and invited. I feel it, and rightfully, no one pays attention to the not-self projector screaming in their faces.

But I’m a projector with no motor definition of any kind. The mental pressure, the distorted voices telling me I am not enough, I am not worthy, telling me to do the work, to follow through, to meet this agenda while the spleen stays silent is literally causing uncomfortable physical sensations at times!

And I forget, that it’s all a story. I let myself get swept up in the noise. I let it depress me. I feel the futility of my situation and I tear up.

But inside, there is a fighter! She seems illogical but she is mighty! She keeps hope alive and fuels me until I can remember that the mind is here to review, not do. It can’t manifest. And so I bring it all back to strategy and authority. I wait for an invitation. I wait to be recognized.

It is NOT easy to trust with so much responsibility on my shoulders. But you be thing I can say, there is something nice about not making mental decisions. The simplicity of realizing that truly, there is no decision to even make right now eases the anxiety. I’m fretting over possibilities, not even probabilities, that for one don’t exist and two, may never exist! I have no idea what the future brings. All I can do is wait and see and try not to fall prey to my own spiraling destructive mind stories.