Whatever you do or dream you can do – begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it. –Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

1/5/2016 – The Journey Begins

So yesterday, although I completed every FitBit goal on my dashboard, I did not do any writing or work! I did manage to do some meditation but my mind- well I guess I got a few moments of mental quietude, if that’s even a word, but there is still so much fear.  

I have the amazing ability to turn even the most positive thing into a scary disaster complete with the deaths of those closest to me… and my own survival, of course, so that I can can be sure and fully experience the pain of my loss.

But there was this moment, afterwards, where I felt moved to just lie on the floor, on my side, with my ear to the ground and my hand there as well…

And I spoke… 

                     …to no one in particular…

asking for concrete guidance on where to start this spiritual journey.  I momentarily felt lost and in a state of panicked upheaval.  I felt that if I just focused on what I wanted, visualized what that might look like and kept that image clear, I would find the right pathway to that outcome!  I desire a few things, one of which is to be my best, wisest, truest self… whatever that means?

Anyway, the things I’ve been experiencing lately are telling and possibly important. At least insofar as I am aware of them as being important.  First it was the game of Trouble played with my family.

Now, family games for me as a child have been very emotional and upsetting.  Even then I hated losing and I am pretty certain that playing Monopoly with older cousins who probably took advantage of my limited math skills didn’t help me in the least.  I have stayed away from board games fearing that these old emotions would be triggered but, when you are a parent, as I am, you often face known triggers.

We played two games and I won both times!  I wasn’t looking to win, only have fun with my whole family.  Winning just wasn’t important!  In fact, the second time around, I felt certain I was losing, but yet I won!  I trusted!  I trusted in this small, insignificant way that what should be, would be, and I knew that at that moment the lesson was meant for my son, who was experiencing what looked like my former frustrations with losing.

And this morning, after last nights events, I discovered a man who seems to have posted several videos on many subjects I believe might be helpful to me this year!  Not a coincidence I am positive!  So, after only a few days of conscious effort to relax my body, calm my emotions, and truly practice love & peace ( there have been some missteps there but I must be patient and gentle even with myself) as well as incorporating healthy living habits into my everyday life, I am beginning to attract!