As I write this, it is Friday August 11th. Yesterday, Thursday, I had a huge breakthrough! And it started with the realization that my recent mental spiraling experiences were trying to show me something, and the willingness to go ahead and walk down that dark scary path. In this weeks vlog, I go deeper into my continued experiences with my mental spiraling and the insights I have so far. I really hope you check that out after you get done reading this.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the agony of heartache. My heart has been broken more times than not. And the suffering has been unbearable to me. So much pain, sooo much bigger than my poor, tiny body could handle. It led me to cutting myself. The pain on the outside helped mask the pain from the inside. I got relief and for a long time, that worked!

After years of this habit — of cutting out the pain — yesterday, I realized the deep trauma that I had been inflicting on myself! I realized that all that pain of heartbreak is still waiting to be released out of my poor body! I did this to myself by not allowing myself to complete the heartbreaking process. Plus, I believed my mind when it decided that all that heartbreak pointed to the fact that I was completely unlovable. And I have spent years — decades –proving to myself how unlovable I am.

All of that heartbreak seems to be creating a physical strain on my body in the form of tension in my upper back and neck.

Furthermore, as a fourth line being, I am meant to be social and have a network so I can tap into resources. I hinder myself even further by creating an environment of isolation. I don’t talk about this stuff, I hide it away, I add layer upon layer of smiles and performances as coping mechanisms to show the world just how okay I am. No one even knows to check on me! (I realize as I write this that I am writing in the present tense. Interesting, that it’s coming out that way, but know that I haven’t cut myself in years… although I still have a tendency to hide when I am anything less than happy.)

Yesterday I realized that while the unconscious body is experiencing fear over being cut again if I should ever fall in love and experience heartbreak again, the conscious personality is experiencing shame. I don’t know why shame, I just use that word to express what it feels like and why I isolate myself. And the thing is, I have no idea what will happen. Especially now that I am aware. Maybe there is a richer more robust experience of love that I didn’t know existed? Like a fine wine aged to tasty perfection. Or cheese, if you prefer.

In the meantime, I know what to do. I lean into the experience and feel the pain, experience the sorrow, cry, let the darkness teach me. Because process equals growth.

Is there anybody out there, who is feeling anything close to what I’m experiencing?