It’s interesting to me how unwilling I am to be responsible for the emotional states of others. No, not unwilling, unable. It exhausts me. For years I felt filled with frustration and rage. I was in an unhappy marriage with a man who was demanding, controlling, unsupportive, unappreciative, and more. He was also entirely unhappy and it was my fault. I wanted to fix it, to help him heal his trauma so he could be free to be happy, and by extension, I could be happy. But no matter what I tried I could never get him to see his own shadows. In fact, the more I tried, the more alienated he felt. I desperately needed to heal myself but instead, I was tending solely to the needs of others until I myself was an empty and numb husk of a woman. I had nothing left to give.

And this is a perfect place to be, really. I can be grateful to the man for demanding more and more from me. I can be grateful for the belief I held during that time that now that I had this man—this good man who never beat me or physically abused me, who financially provided for our family—that I should be completely selfless and supportive because he loved me. He proved that I was lovable. James walked me through the fires carrying his burden and now, thankfully, I am so exhausted I am unable to carry the responsibility of other people’s emotional states, or their trauma. I have no energy to take on another person’s emotional state and try to fix it for them. And I can’t control how my words are taken in, I can only witness what happens after.

That’s not to say that I don’t still feel the pressure to make it better! That I can’t tell when people are upset by something I have done or said. To be honest, my mind has a habit of spiraling and running scenarios and possibilities over and over for days sometimes before it’s run its course and set me free. I get caught up in the grips of my own emotional rollercoaster because of it. It gets me stuck, it brings me down, I feel frustrated… there’s no joy there! So far, I don’t know what to do with this energy. But it doesn’t leave much room for anything else that isn’t mine. Maybe someday…

For now, I keep following the thread of discovering who I am, what my boundaries are, and how to enforce those boundaries. It’s gotten me into some trouble. I’ve changed the rules. Whereas before I avoided uncomfortable conversations and situations which often led me to put others first, I now am actively striving to put myself first, to honor my needs and the needs of my family. I want my children, especially my girls, to truly honor themselves. And it doesn’t have to be aggressive, it can just be. A sort of quiet resignation that this is how things are. And if that means that I lose a few people along the way, well, no fox given! Perhaps these people need to fall away from my life so I can lighten my load and be free! Because I see now! I see what is possible! I see I can reach healthier and healthier mental and emotional processes that don’t keep me tied down for days and weeks. I see myself free to be light and joyful and whimsical! To relearn how to have fun and shine! It’s time for me to unburden myself.